Bad Mood

Haven't had my meds in a while. Only 10 pathetic mgs of Prednisone. I was in a good mood earlier today but now I'm not at all. I feel angry and wish I could just hurt someone. I wanna erase all the numbers in my phone. God, I fucking hate people. I really really do. My fucking scalp itches and I'm losing my hair on the sides. Sigh* this is great. Just wish I was high right now.

At this moment

I am so stoned. I feel great. Other than the pain in my elbow. It's great to feel something other than your every day feeling. I'm happy with things at this moment. I'm ok with life. But I want more and something stronger. But I'll call it a night and just eat and watch tv then the best sleep of my life.

My friend Dan...

I have this friend at work - his name is Dan. He's the second person at my job that I consider my friend. And he came here from Jersey to become a comedian. But like all natural comedians he has his issues...he's insecure, sad, an alcoholic (some might say) but he's soooo funny and doesn't see his potential...makes me sad. I want so much for him to be successful in his passion. I want so much for him to make it, to achieve his dream. I love him so much and can identify with his pain...Dan- I understand you and am here right with you.


-Comedy is tragedy that happens to other people...

.....

I know God exists...and I know that the Devil exists...but...which one is evil?

Almost completely gone...

I never thought that I would reach a point in my life where I would push everyone away...but that's where I'm at. I need space. I need to be alone. The people I have called my best friends are gone. Because of me? Because of them? I don't even know. Nor do I care. This is where life has led me. I'm out of my moms house-again. And this time it's for good. But lately she seems to have been reaching out to me. Lets see where this goes. I've been taking a long break from school and I have a job at the Hard Rock Cafe here in Times Square New York. The only people I really associate with are my coworkers, two of which I've known for years but everyone else is new to me. I usually work at night so after work I've been going to a bar most of us from hard rock go. I guess you can say drinking and getting high are my favorite past times. For about a month now I have had no health insurance and no medication. The lack of medication has been affecting me so much. My bones are hurting, I have a butterfly rash on my face, I'm starting to itch on my legs and scalp, and I am weak. I have no energy for anything. And depression has come in full force. I feel the lack of motivation, the desire to do nothing but sleep. Go to work, that's all I do. I don't even know if I'll ever go back to school. The will to care about anything is almost completely gone.

Teach me a lesson?

Mat...I am soooo mad that I have a crush. That I really like someone at my job. Why did this happen to me? Maybe It's a punishment from God, to teach me a lesson to not give myself away so easily....but...did that really teach me a lesson? I don't know. I don't think so...

It's been awhile...

It's been awhile since I've written.....and now where I'm at I question..What has become of my life? Take me away God, devil...whichever can hear me, please oh please take me away...